05.05-08.05.2018

I was having such a good day . I had just gotten off work & was laying in bed talking on the phone . I remember being so excited to get a few hours of rest , then head over to my mom’s to see my nephew & hopefully see my niece that day . I hadn’t seen my niece in a few weeks and I really missed her .

I get a call at about 0915 from my mom then a text following saying “It’s an emergency” …. and I felt my heart shatter from there . Usually anything in my family that’s considered “an emergency” is NOT that serious . But man , oh man , I was wrong . I called my mom back immediately & the first thing that comes out of my mom’s mouth is “Tifany , I think Marlee’s dead” . (Yes I am already crying hysterically writing this) . I honestly didn’t know what to make of that sentence – seeing as my family hasn’t had anyone die in it since my Nana was the last person to pass away about 15 years ago . So , I did what any other person would do hearing the news of a loved one passing – I freaked the fuck out .

Luckily where she had been life-flighted to was only 5 miles away & took me about 10 minutes to get to . I didn’t know how this could have happened , being as she was always taken care of well and I just never pictured anyone in my family dying for a long time .

The hospital wouldn’t let me see my niece one last time saying they would only let the parents see her & it honestly broke my heart . I’m not going into details about what happened because it’s honestly way too hard to talk about & it still doesn’t feel real that she’s gone . My niece was my mini-me . She looked so similar to me as a baby & was so thick & pasty too . She LOVED to smile & have her feet tickled & was just a super happy baby .

Even though I never got to establish a big relationship with her before she passed – I’m still able to look back on the pictures and videos and remember her as she was . Right now I’m in recovery – trying to repair my heart being shattered & it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with . I find myself staring at other babies when I’m out in public , wondering what my niece would look like/talk like/act like if she got to grow up . Wanting so desperately to be able to give her one last kiss or warm snuggle session .

Knowing I will never be able to get those feelings back , it helps me appreciate having my nephew around a little more , & makes me want to hug him a little tighter . I’ve always wanted babies of my own ; a big family & lots of adventures was my goal in life . But I think God placed me here to be the BEST auntie I can be . Not just for my nephew , but for myself . To learn to love someone unconditionally & know that they love me just as much .

I have really been wanting to write this since the day everything happened , but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it (until now at 0200 when I can’t sleep) .

& Yes – I do realize this blog is chaotic & could definitely use some structure but it honestly represents the way my life is set up & I don’t feel like fixing it .